Treating Chronic Pain- There is a Better Way!

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Plagued By An Inner Critic

Are you afraid to feel angry, jealous, lonely, helpless or anxious?  It’s no coincidence that four out of seven clients I have seen this week have all had the same paralyzing fear about expressing their feelings to someone they love, be it a parent, lover, friend, or wife.  What they all have in common is a very strong inner critic.  Often, those of us with this difficulty feel overwhelmingly vulnerable just saying what is on our minds and in our hearts to someone we love.  Why is this?

Many people grow up with a critical parent or parents.  What criticism does is teach the child that their feelings aren’t valid, or that they are “overly sensitive or emotional”, and in some families, negative feelings aren’t tolerated at all.  How many times has a client said to me “When I cried in front of my mother/father, I was told to stop it, or I would be punished further or sent to my room.”  “I remember my father saying to me that if I didn’t stop crying, he was going to hit me.”  This lack of empathy and acceptance on the parent’s part teaches the child that negative feelings are dangerous and therefore need to be suppressed.

In some cases the child grows into an adult who unconsciously chooses a partner that is also critical or judgmental of their feelings.  And in some cases, the client simply assumes that their loved one is going to meet their expression with derision or scorn which keeps them from being able to get their need for emotional safety met at all.

I recently discovered a wonderful website dealing with this issue called www.forthelittleonesinside.com.  Here is what the author has to say on the subject of the inner critic: “Our inner critic, although it now seems only to torment and batter us, originally came into being to protect our small and vulnerable selves.  It came to prevent us from doing things and being ways that threatened to bring upon us more frightening and dangerous external criticism…criticism that might have led to the withdrawal of the love and support that were so essential for our survival. “

I think Alice Miller said it best in her well known book, The Drama Of the Gifted Child, The Search for the True Self  “…for a child can experience her feelings only when there is somebody there who accepts her fully, understands her, and supports her.  If that person is missing, if the child must risk losing the mother’s love or the love of her substitute in order to feel, then she will repress her emotions.  She cannot even experience them secretly, ‘just for herself’; she will fail to experience them at all.  But they will nevertheless stay in her body, in her cells, stored up as information that can be triggered by a later event.”

My clients feel ashamed and confused about their feelings because acknowledging and accepting their full range of emotions have never been safe, but we are “feeling creatures” by nature.  Denying and suppressing our feelings leads to emotional pain and physical pain.  Science confirms that there is an area in the brain responsible for detecting cues that may be harmful for survival, such as physical danger or social separation, and that this area shares a common pathway with cues for physical pain.  In a meta-analysis by Eisenberger and Leiberman out of UCLA, the authors state that “It has been suggested that, in mammalian species, the social attachment system borrowed the computations of the pain system to prevent the potentially harmful consequences of social separation.”

So I assure my clients that they are not crazy or defective for feeling so fearful.  I help them to understand the basis of their fear of feeling, and encourage them to question their inner critic rather than to accept outright its insistence on pushing us to do more, be better, faster, smarter, and thinner in order to feel loved, worthwhile, and valuable.  The only thing we need to change about ourselves is to stop holding ourselves to these unreasonable standards and begin to risk ourselves by being honest with those we love.    As I remind my clients: “Those who never risk themselves, never fully become themselves.”

Blog on Step #4 Look for Solutions…stop submitting, stop rebelling.

Do you hate your body?  Do you try to diet thinking that if you just lost 10 pounds, your life would be miraculously improved?  Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired of your struggle with weight?  Then practicing step #4 on a daily basis is your answer.  Look for solutions…stop submitting, stop rebelling.    

In my last blog about step #3, Look for answers…don’t stop until you’ve found them, I invited you to ask yourself what needs of yours were being met by food, and I shared with you some of the places that I have looked to find MY answers.  Step #4 is similar in that looking for our answers sometimes leads us to our solutions in overcoming body dissatisfaction, body loathing, and the drive to thinness through dieting.  But unless you are familiar with the concepts of compassionate communication, you must be wondering what the heck I mean by “stop submitting, stop rebelling”.  Simply put, whenever you submit (disregard, ignore, repress) your needs, you are doomed to rebel in some way.  Rebellion takes on many forms.   It may look like passive-aggressive comments or behavior, over eating or binging, under eating or restricting, over drinking, compulsive shopping or gambling, showing up chronically late, calling in sick to work, having an affair, the list goes on.  Whenever you say “yes” and you really mean “no” you are submitting some need of yours.

Most diet programs focus on extinguishing the rebelling behavior, but that is totally backward.  If you give yourself the time and energy to know what your needs are, and are then willing to ask for them to be met, you will no longer be in the submit/ rebel cycle. Since I gave you a clear example of the submit/ rebel cycle last blog by sharing Lisa’s story, let me give you a couple of examples from my clients that have nothing to do with dieting.  I have a client; we’ll call her Betty, she works as a nanny.  She loves her job and the family she works for, but Betty also loves her Sunday’s off.  She looks forward to this one day a week where she has no commitments or responsibilities to anyone else.  A few weeks ago her employer asked her to attend the birthday party of the little girl she nannies for, and guess what, it was on a Sunday.  Betty, feeling that she “should” say yes, said “sure” and then came to her session with me that week and complained about it.  First of all, whenever your self- talk includes a “should” or a “have to”, you are probably submitting.  Betty was submitting her needs for rest, choice, and peace and harmony.  I gently tried to point out the set-up she created by saying “yes” when she meant “no”.  That was pretty much the end of it until today, the day after the party when client described feeling miserable and wanting very much to “call in sick” to work.  This was her “rebellion”.  Again I pointed out her part in the submit/ rebel cycle.

Another client, let’s call her Veronica, clearly states that her partner does not meet her need for appreciation, acknowledgment, and emotional safety.  She wonders why sex has become so physically painful to her (now she avoids it).  And then there’s Carly.  Carly is a client who is engaged to be married.  As it often happens, family issues that aren’t often discussed rear their ugly heads when it comes time to plan a wedding.  Her fiancé’s brother, in a jealous rage, threatened to kill him last year.  Now, his family not only thinks he “should” be invited, but that he should be part of the wedding party.  Carly and her fiancé do not agree with his family.  I asked Carly what she thinks would happen if the brother where to come (submitting their needs).  Without skipping a beat she admitted that her fiancé would most likely get drunk and that would ruin the night for both of them.  I congratulated her on recognizing the rebellion (over-drinking) right away.

For the many of us that were raised to be kind, sensitive, compassionate, generous and people-pleasing, saying “no” means risking the discontent, anger, or judgment of others.  Many of us learned to say “yes” to avoid the guilt or negative consequence of saying “no”.  Submitting our own needs was encouraged when our needs were at odds with our parents’ needs.  Alice Miller’s book, The Drama of the Gifted Child  explores this phenomenon using other terms, but makes the point that growing up in a family environment in which the child had no choice but to acquiesce to the emotional needs of the parents, results in the child ignoring his or her own needs, which results in the disappearance of the “real” self.  The “false” self that emerges is interested foremost in pleasing others.  This dis-connect from the self is often what leads us to binge eating, chronic body dissatisfaction, and eating disorders.

“Okay, I get it now” you say, “but what do I do from here?”  Knowing your needs is step#1.  Looking at your resentments is another good step so that you can clear them out of your way.  It’s no accident that the fourth step in my recovery plan corresponds to the fourth step of most 12 step programs which is “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”  I don’t recommend doing this part on your own.  Find someone whom you can trust and ask for their support, preferably someone with 12 step experience.   They are there to bear witness as you work through this step.  They are not there to comment or to pass judgment.   In order to clear away resentment I recommend making four columns.

1.       I’m Resentful At                        2. The Cause           3. What it affects                            4. My Part

(people,institutions,principles)           (why I’m angry)    (self-esteem, pride,pocketbook,   (selfish, dis-

                                                                                                     Ambition,personal relations,sex)  honest, self-

                                                                                                                                                        seeking,frightened)

I like to replace “What it affects” with “What needs were not met”.  This reinforces your needs as being a part of the process.  The 4^th column, “My Part”, is usually the most difficult as it asks you to take responsibility for the exact nature of your wrongs.  For this reason, it’s recommended that you do all the examples you can think of for column 1 before moving on to column 2- the cause.  Complete that column before moving onto your unmet needs in column 3.  When you have finished with your unmet needs (for each example you listed in column 2) then and only then are you ready to look at your part. 

As I’ve said before, breaking free from chronic dieting, learning to love and accept yourself, isn’t always easy.  I make no promises that this step will be easy, but if you are willing to be honest with yourself and others, you will put an end to submitting your needs, there will be no reason for you to rebel, and the result is lasting self-acceptance and self-worth.  For more information on step #4 or any of the previous 3 steps, please visit my website www.colleenperry.com.   You are not alone!

1. Admit you have needs that haven’t been met.

2. Seek help and support.

3. Look for answers…don’t stop until you’ve found them.

4. Look for solutions…stop submitting, stop rebelling.

5. Practice gratitude daily.

6. Develop a balanced point of view.

7. Share your stories with others…you are not alone.

8. Clear away the wreckage of your past…mourn the lost opportunities.

9. Continuously revise your life story.

10. Practice honesty and compassion for self and others.

11. Meet your needs..communicate honestly and directly.

12. Knowing that you are not powerless, food will fall into its healthful place.

Blog on Step #3…Look for Answers…don’t stop until you’ve found them.

There are reasons why you are a chronic dieter.  There are reasons why you have an eating disorder.  Do you know what they are?  My guess is, probably not.  That’s why you’re reading this!  It’s important to know the “why” behind your behavior.  Some people will disagree with me here.  They would say that it’s not important to understand “why” you are doing what you are doing.  It’s only important to know “how” you’re going to stop the behavior.  This is “why” I disagree.  Let’s take overeating as an example.

There are plenty of programs out there that promise to show you “how” to lose weight, and “how” to stop overeating.  They will tell you what to eat, and, so as to not leave anything to chance, they will even provide the food for you in its correct serving size.  You don’t have to think about anything…just buy the food and eat what they tell you to eat.  Great, but for how long?  What happens when you’ve lost all the weight and you’re ready to eat on your own again?  If you haven’t addressed the “why” for overeating in the first place, you will most likely go back to your old way of eating. 

Step #3 Look for Answers…don’t stop until you’ve found them, asks you to explore what need were getting met with food.  What needs are being met by over-eating?  If you don’t figure this one out, you’ll never know how to get those needs met in a life-serving way, a way that does not require you to use food.  And this, my friends, is one of the reasons that dieting alone DOES NOT WORK! Here is my friend Lisa’s story:  “I finally decided, after a long struggle, that it was OK to divorce my husband. Since he was overweight, I stayed slightly “padded” as well, although I was naturally athletic and petite. I realized, as I grew further away from him in my heart, I was still trying to stay connected by identifying with him - by having this thing in common - fat. After all, if I got really into shape, I would become more attractive to others and myself and would have to deal with a whole new can of worms - our lack of intimacy and my own buried sexuality. My padding helped to insulate me from feeling a lot of fear and guilt. I’m very happy to report; I found the courage to take care of myself. I’ve worked through my feelings and proceeded with my divorce. Exercise kept me sane and in great shape. And most surprising and blessed of all - a very special and fit man has come into my life!

Any woman, man or child trying to break free of dieting or an eating disorder must be willing to be fearless in their search for answers.  If it were easy, then millions upon millions of us wouldn’t need to be dieting; wouldn’t loathe ourselves so much that making ourselves vomit or starving ourselves would seem reasonable.  For many of us, body dissatisfaction has been a life-long struggle.  We don’t stop to ask ourselves who’s standard of beauty are we conforming to; our culture’s, our family’s, or friends’?  Who was it that told you that you were anything less than beautiful?  Why did you believe them?  Why do you chase after the need for self-worth based upon your weight?  Aren’t you more than just your body?  I know I am.  As someone who has both met the cultural norm for beauty and has defied it too, I can tell you that my own self esteem comes from doing “esteemable” things, NOT by fitting into a size 4 pants. 

I have been a warrior in my quest for happiness and self-acceptance.  Here are some of the places I’ve looked to find MY answers:

You Can Heal Your Life – Louise Hay

Celestine Prophecy – James Redfield

Conversations With God – Neal Donald Walsh

Countless other self-help books

Hypnotherapy

Inner child work

12 step work

Yoga

Individual therapy

Group therapy

Life coaching (learning non-violent communication)

Sitting in circle with women

Drumming

Graduate work in psychology

Acupuncture, chiropractic care, massage therapy

The Mind Body Prescription – John Sarno MD (cured my chronic lower back pain)

Movement and dance therapy

Volunteer work every week

Women’s retreats

Master and control of body (aerobics teacher, pilates, ballet, jazz, triathalons)

The Artist’s Way course

Drugs for depression                      

Nordic Runes, I Ching, Feng Shui

Dream boards, vision boards

Started a business

And this is only what comes to mind!  I haven’t always found the answers I was looking for, but inevitably whatever path I was on led me to the next path.  It’s a matter of “way leading unto way” as Robert Frost so eloquently wrote in his famous poem The Road Less Traveled (read a great book by the same name too!).  What have you tried in looking to find happiness and acceptance for yourself other than by losing weight? 

Tips for Positive Change in the New Year

With the New Year approaching, I know I’m not the only one thinking about changes I’d like to make in 2009.  To do this, I ask myself, what qualities really worked for me this year and what qualities didn’t serve me so well that I can “let go” of.  For instance, I made a commitment to myself in 2007 to “let go” of self-consciousness.  The result was that I had to come to terms with my perfectionism and how I view myself.  Self-consciousness cannot exist without self-judgment…I have been militant about looking at all my self-judgments and combating them with compassion. (I’m noticing my use of the terms “militant” and “combating” and realize I still have a way to go as far as compassion for self is concerned).   Sometimes that compassion comes in the form of positive affirmations or self-talk, and sometimes it means giving up certain behaviors, like working out in order to “deserve” to like myself.  This has helped me enormously when trying to prioritize my time.  I now ask myself “What feels joyful?” and then I do that!  I’ve also chosen to examine where those judgments come from and what parts of me need healing for all my years of self-abuse. 

This year I’m focusing on the quality of patience…never my strong suit.  I’m finding that by waiting, either to act or to say something that’s bothering me - often situations tend to resolve themselves.  That doesn’t mean that I’m passively living my life.  On the contrary, I’m usually quite pro-active about things. But sometimes, in my need to express my negative feelings without censoring, I’ll act too quickly when waiting would have been more prudent.  This emotionally-laden tight rope that I walk is a direct result of years of “people pleasing” and suppressing negative feelings.  Everyone needs to find the balance between patience and expression that is right for them.

So patience is the quality I’m embracing.  What I would like to have less of in my life is my need to make my point of view the right point of view.  What I’m realizing more and more is that my feelings are always right (feelings don’t lie, they’re automatic, no sense judging them), but that everyone feels that their point of view is the right one.  This year it’s my intention not so much to be “right” but to have my needs for understanding and consideration met.  And when I’m determining my priorities this year- what to fit into my schedule and what to get rid of, I always consider the following story that was told to me many years ago…

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.  When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.  He then asked the students if the jar was full.  They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.  He then asked the students again if the jar was full.   They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  He asked once more if the jar was full.  The students responded with a unanimous “yes”.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.  The golf balls are the important things- your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.  The sand is everything else- the small stuff.  “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.  The same goes for life.  If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Spend time with your children.  Spend time with your parents.  Visit with grandparents.  Take time to get medical checkups.  Take your spouse out to dinner.  Ride your bike with friends or just feel the breeze, play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.  Take care of the golf balls first –the things that really matter.  Set your priorities.  The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.  The professor smiled and said, “I’m glad you asked.  The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

Battling The Great Depression-

An out -of -work money manager in California loses a fortune and wipes out his family in a murder-suicide. A 90 year old Ohio woman shoots herself in the chest as authorities arrive to evict her from the modest house she called home for 38 years. A record 500,000 homeowners have entered the foreclosure process. That trend is expected to continue through next year despite current government and lending industry programs.

I could go on and on listing the tragedies resulting from our current economic crisis. Depression and anxiety are understandably on the rise. Although, admittedly it is not yet clear there is a statistical link between suicides and the financial downturn since there is generally a two year lag in national suicide figures. But, historically, suicides increase in times of economic hardship, and the current financial crisis is already being called the worst since the Great Depression.

It’s more important than ever to be able to recognize the signs of depression.

Warning Signs of Depression:

• Mood Changes-including feeling sad, irritable, becoming easily angered or having difficulty getting along with friends and family members
• Loss of Interest-in hobbies, sports, or social activities (avoiding friends and family)
• Lack of Enjoyment- even when involved in an activity you once enjoyed
• Changes in Sleep- difficulty falling asleep, or staying asleep, or desire to “sleep all the time” to escape reality
• Changes in Appetite- gaining OR losing weight in a discreet period of time
• Changes in Energy Levels- such as feeling “tired all the time”, restlessness or agitation
• Difficulty focusing or concentrating
• Self-Criticism-feeling like a failure or that “it’s all my fault” even when not your responsibility
• Unexplained Physical Pain-headaches, abdominal pain, back and neck pain, muscle tension

It’s important to understand that depression is a very real and serious issue. Some depression passes with time. Other cases may require intervention. In any case, the depressed person needs to feel safe enough to talk about his/her feelings even when they are difficult to put into words. Keeping their fears and feelings a secret is not helpful to those that feel depressed. The depressed person already feels “like a loser” and doesn’t want to hear your judgment about why they shouldn’t feel depressed.

Ways to help someone who is depressed:

Offer to listen without judgment- don’t wait for them to come to you if you suspect depression, because usually they won’t

Encourage them to talk about it-if the depression is long lasting (more than a couple of weeks) they may be withholding their true feelings. Blocked feelings lead to a “deadening” of our emotions

Look for the anger- In some cases, depression is “anger turned inward”. Sometimes resolving the issue causing the anger restores emotional balance.

Eat healthy and consistently

Exercise consistently - even if it feels like a Herculean task. Endorphins are your friend!

Keep to a regular sleep schedule-no matter what.

Volunteer- donate your time to a worthy cause, preferably something you feel passionate about. It’s harder to sit in our own misery when we are actively helping someone else. Try it, it works!

And last but certainly not least, talk to a professional. This is what we do….as therapists we can give you the empathy and skills you need to get your life back on track. Why feel miserable for another minute?

The Way I See It: Be More Selfish and Have a Better Holiday Season

Be more selfish this holiday season and you will have a better holiday. Many of you doubt my last statement don’t you? But I invite you to answer these questions for yourself:

• Do you give of yourself to others only to be disappointed in what you get back?
• Do you believe that if you put others first that you will be rewarded in some way?
• Do you often feel drained of energy as though you have nothing left to give?
• Do you carry around anger, guilt and resentment?
• Do you often feel “taken for granted” or “taken advantage of” by others?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you will benefit by being more selfish. First, let’s first define the term so that we’re all on the same page, then I will make my case.

Selfish-1. Concerned chiefly or only with oneself. 2. Caring supremely or unduly for one’s self, regarding one’s own comfort, advantage, etc. 3. (Ethics) Believing or teaching that the chief motives of human action are derived from love of self.

I’m writing this because I think the word “selfish” gets a bad rap. What’s wrong with taking care of your own needs first so that you can meet the needs of others with integrity? Do you even know what your needs are? (If you have a hard time answering “yes” to that question, write me and I will happily send you a list of needs that we all share as human beings.)

From the moment we are born we are very in tune with what we need, and we would cry in order to let someone know that a need wasn’t being met. Our very survival depended upon it. So what happened along the way to us that threw us so off course from going after our needs as our top priority? For me, I was taught that being “selfless” was the way to go. Selfless: Having, exhibiting, or motivated by no concern for one’s self, unselfish. There’s a big difference between sacrificing for others, versus benevolence toward others.

Read on and I will show you how getting your needs met will benefit you by giving you more freedom, choice, and integrity in your life.

The concept of Choice is an important part of the Selfish lifestyle. The ability to make choices based on fulfilling one’s needs eliminates the feeling of guilt. The ability to choose and the absence of guilt leads to true freedom, which I believe, are essential to happiness. How often, especially during the holidays, are we trying to make everyone happy, and by doing so, feel we need to put their needs before our own? My mentor, Bill, calls this acting out of duty and obligation.

Everyday we are presented with a myriad of choices. If we are clear about what needs are getting met in any given choice, we can stand firm in our decision. This is the first step to eliminating guilt. Now we are acting from an empowered position of meeting our needs, rather than merely acting on “feeling”.

Making choices based in love of self and not based in duty and obligation leads to true freedom. I propose that is this sense of freedom which is essential to the attainment of happiness in life. If, for instance, we perceive that we are limited in our choices, we will tend to feel frustrated, powerless, and overwhelmed with anxiety about the future. If, on the other hand, we perceive that we have options, choices, we will tend to feel empowered, hopeful, and free to choose the direction of our lives.

I’m not talking only about the “big” choices we all make; I’m talking about the little everyday ones too. Each time you act in your self interest it builds upon itself increasing your sense of freedom. For example, your very good friend asks you to come to her party Saturday night. Instead of saying yes and feeling guilty about the time you spend apart from your husband and children, check in with yourself to see what needs will be met by going to her party, and what needs are met by staying with your family. Make your decision based on your priority of needs.

Each choice you make from this place keeps you in integrity with yourself. Living your life from this place of integrity eliminates resentment. Eliminating resentment is one of the most positive changes you can make. Resentment is poison to mental health. I once heard it described this way: “Resentment is like me taking poison and hoping that you die from it.”

Now you may be thinking that if you always acted in your self interest you wouldn’t have any friends left. Not true! You are modeling for them honesty and integrity. My friends never have to wonder how I really feel. This frees them up to meet their own needs as well. I now notice the people in my life who choose to live in a place of self trust and self love, and those that choose to live in duty and obligation. I can feel the difference in energy between the two. So although you may be spending the holidays with friends and family that are not in touch with their needs and the benefits of selfishness, don’t despair. The way I see it is if you’re going to be called selfish for taking the last piece of pumpkin pie, know that you are simply meeting your need for choice.

The Way I See It: Selfishness and Thankfulness Go Hand In Hand -

Last week, I wrote about the benefits of selfishness, especially to those of us who are people pleasers. I had no way to predict the flood of responses I received from women expressing their gratitude that someone was giving them permission to take care of themselves FIRST. Here’s what Jessica from Texas had to say on the matter:

“I have to say I am thrilled to be coming to the end of the year - it seems like there are a lot of days off, etc. And I would like to think that I have crafted my holidays to meet more of my needs than my imaginary obligations these days, and it most certainly didn’t used to be like that. I remember spending hours, days on hand-crafted gifts for all of my family members and then been totally shocked when I got something incredibly impersonal in return. I once got a hair chamois from my cousin - you do not want to know. Now my family goes gift less, except for the children, and I informed my husband last night that over the holidays we would all be making sandwiches for my synagogue’s sandwich drive and serving them at a homeless shelter. Including him. Because the children need to see the adults in their lives doing these things. In years past we would adopt a family and buy them toys, but you know what? I would rather serve food to homeless people because even buying other kids toys seems a little materialistic to me this year. This is probably way more than you wanted to know, but my point is, I love the fact that being “Selfish” can actually evolve into being more “selfless” since my selfish self actually wants to do things for others this holiday! So there!”

Here’s what Amy from Florida said:

“Such an important reminder in a season when SO much obligation comes up. I would love to receive the needs list if you can send it. PS if anyone ever calls me selfish, I smile and say thank you! It sure has taken practice to become more full of self!”

Now having shared all of that, I’d like to now focus on the Jessica’s experience that having taken care of her own needs; she had the desire and the energy to focus on doing things for others this season. Let’s talk about the importance of volunteering our time. I think it’s wonderful and admirable if you are generously giving money to the myriad of charities and non-profits that need it. They couldn’t do their work without money. But if you’re looking for the ultimate “feel good” experience, there is nothing more potent than volunteering yourself to a worthy cause.

My personal experience is all I have to base this on. For much of my life I have battled depression, and for much of my life I have volunteered to help those that I felt were less fortunate than me. Even in my times of deepest sorrow, volunteering has given me the perspective that I needed to go on. Additionally, it added to my self-respect which was critical at a time when I felt I wasn’t worth very much. I once heard it said that self-esteem comes from doing “esteem-able ” things. I wholeheartedly agree with that.

If you are one of the millions that doesn’t have the ideal family, or the job or relationship of your dreams, please do not despair. Getting “out of yourself” by helping someone else can give you an immeasurable sense of connectedness and gratitude. Case in point: Every year my partner and I load up the Harley with toys and ride on over to the Glendale Harley dealer where we are met with hundreds of other biker enthusiasts. From there we all ride over to skid row downtown where we unload thousands of toys for the children living in the shelters there. Picture the toughest “biker dude” you can imagine with a little girl’s bike, pink tassels on the handle bars, flowered seat and pretty pink basket, bungee-corded to the back of his hog! I’m not joking. It happens every year. Teddy bears of all shapes and sizes strapped to the front of the bikes diligently guide their drivers to the awaiting children. It’s a sight to see. Then we spend hours handing out the precious cargo to chubby little hands and the sparkling eyes of the children, while their grateful parents help them make their choices. Okay, I’m getting a little teary just writing this!

This morning I came across an article about an amazing 11-year old boy named Brenden Foster. For those of you who don’t know the story, Brenden had been told he was dying of Leukemia. On the way home from one of his clinic visits, he spotted a large group of homeless people. He said “I thought I should just do something”, but he was too weak to do it alone. So he and others started a food drive in his town and the story caught on so that many more towns and cities have since gotten involved. Brenden’s one wish in his remaining days was to help others that needed helping. My Lord, what an inspiration! Brenden died last Friday, but his legacy lives on. Sorry, tearful again.

The way I see it is this boy is an inspiration to us all, no matter how much time left we have, no matter how much or how little money we have, we ALL have the choice to give of ourselves in making this crazy, wonderful, broken-down world a much better place. Try it this season. You’ll be very glad you did, and from a selfish point of view, you’ll get back so much more than you gave.

Blog on Step #2…Seek Help and Support

  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/colleen-perry/how-to-free-yourself-from_b_159390.html

The 12 Steps of Recovery from Chronic Dieting

Last week I invited you to welcome in the New Year by stopping your dieting.  I gave 2 compelling reasons why diets don’t work for lasting weight loss, set point and water balance.  This week I’m going into more detail on the first step toward “diet recovery”:  Admit you have needs that haven’t been met.

Every one of us is born with a set of needs that is unique to them.  This is called our temperament.  We all have the same basic needs, but the priority given to each need and preference varies from person.  Much of our temperament is determined by genetics, and some is formed as we live our life…so some is the result of nature and some the result of nurture.  To a large extent it is believed that the attunement to our needs by our primary care giver at birth determines our responses when our needs are not met.  For example, the woman whose mother or father was emotionally distant may use other sources to get her needs for nurturing, love, and connection met.  In time she may discover that food seems to soothe the pain of these needs not being met by her parent(s).  Food is constant, non-judgmental, and often, easily available (unlike her parent).  Or consider the boy that goes “unseen” by his alcoholic family.  He devises a way of using food to numb his rage and pain.  Or the little girl who grew up as “the apple of her father’s eye”, whose needs were met until she began puberty when her body began to change, and her father grew distant and uncomfortable around her.  She begins to restrict her food, unconsciously thwarting her natural growth into maturity through dieting or anorexia.

Admitting you have needs that have not been met is the first step of 12 for a very good reason; unless you are in touch with the needs that you are currently meeting with food, dieting, or binging, you have very little chance of permanently breaking free of the cycle of weight loss/ weight gain.  Some of the needs met by food include but are not limited to:  autonomy, freedom, choice, comfort, connection, reassurance, predictability, emotional safety, sharing, community, family, and pleasure.  Some of the needs met by dieting include: autonomy, freedom, choice, individuality, self-worth, self-respect, purpose, acknowledgement, being liked, respect, friendship, companionship, acceptance, aesthetic, validation, exercise and movement.  You can see how some of these needs overlap, but I hope the prevailing point is that there are a lot of needs met by both dieting and not dieting.  The goal is to acknowledge first that your needs are legitimate…ALL OF THEM.  For some people this is the most difficult part.  Many of us feel undeserving of getting our needs met.  Maybe you were told you have too many needs i.e. “Don’t be so needy.”   Maybe you were told to submit your needs by putting the needs of others first i.e. “Don’t be so selfish.  Help your mother.”  Maybe you weren’t even aware that you have needs!  That’s not so uncommon.

So, are you nourishing yourself lovingly with healthy foods and healthy relationships?  If so, you’re probably not the chronic dieter or someone with an eating disorder.  For the rest of us, the challenge becomes twofold: 1) being able to know your needs, 2) figuring out how to get them met.  The second part may require trial and error, but trust me; it’s worth putting in the time. Think about all the time, energy, strength (willpower) and money you have invested throughout your life in dieting and weight loss.  Imagine investing equal time, energy and strength into getting your needs met!  Spend the money too if you need professional assistance.  What is stopping you?  What scares you about doing this?  You are worth it!  For all the people you love and for yourself, why not make this investment in you?  What would change as a result?  Some of you secretly fear that if you were to become healthy (a person that you like, someone whom you admire) your current relationships would no longer serve you, and then where would you be?  I understand this fear, but it’s fear that keeps us stuck in old beliefs and old patterns.  It is love, love of self, and love for others that is our salvation.

So, to recap, here are the 12 steps to recovery from chronic dieting or eating disorders:

1.       Admit you have needs that haven’t been met.

2.       Seek help and support.

3.       Look for answers…don’t stop until you’ve found them.

4.       Look for solutions…stop submitting, stop rebelling.

5.       Practice gratitude daily.

6.       Develop a balanced point of view.

7.       Share your stories with others…you are not alone.

8.       Clear away the wreckage of your past…mourn the lost opportunities.

9.       Continuously revise your life story.

10.   Practice honesty and compassion for self and others.

11.   Meet your needs..communicate honestly and directly.

12.   Knowing that you are not powerless, food will fall into its healthful place.

Next week we will go into depth on step 2: seeking help and support.  Please visit my website www.colleenperry.com for last week’s blog and for more information on this subject.