The Way I See It: A Scathing Look at Celebrity-
When I read the news yesterday that Joaquin Phoenix was giving up acting and getting out of the business, I felt strangely proud and full of admiration for him. I have always wondered why more celebrities don’t come to this same decision, especially the ones who are always complaining about the lack of privacy and the pressure to stay physically competitive. I mean, when you have tens of millions of dollars in the bank, doesn’t that give you the luxury of “opting out”? I’ve always fantasized about it, haven’t you?
But then I saw the video clip of the interview wherein he reveals this startling information and I was embarrassed for the interviewer. Joaquin Phoenix came across as smug and arrogant when Extra’s Jerry Penacoli laughed at his statement, assuming he was just joking. The scorn and derision on Joaquin’s face was obvious. I couldn’t believe how self-important he came off, as if to say “How dare you question the great and powerful Oz (Joaquin)!” And then it dawned on me… this is why celebrities have trouble giving up “celebrity.” They are so accustomed to someone hanging on their every word; ready to fulfill every wish and desire that normal every-day life would be a tremendous adjustment.
Case in point: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Here are two people who have committed themselves to many worthy causes, and for that I am very grateful. They have the power and the money to contribute to the world in a way that I can only imagine. But correct me if I’m wrong, didn’t they also make a commitment to parent and raise 6 children? They certainly have enough net worth to be able to take a break from working in entertainment, continue their charitable work, and focus on raising emotionally stable children. Can someone please tell me why these two can’t stop making movies? Is it the ego-gratification that is so alluring and impossible to let go of? Is it the guilt of disappointing managers, agents, studio execs and others that make money off of them? Is it the fans?
Frankly I don’t care what it is. I have a judgment about raising children…if you’re not going to make the full commitment, then don’t do it! Children are not objects through which we look for our own shiny reflection. They are human beings that have varying individual needs from the day they are born. Studies in neuroscience suggest that the quality of attachments made to the mother or caretaker in the first year of life is the most profound determinant of healthy relationships and good mental health in the future. How then can healthy attachment occur when the parent is out of proximity to the child? As humanitarian as Angelina is; recently traveling to Afghanistan for 3 days, her children remain estranged from their mother for that time. Who is the priority here? What about the needs of her own children?
Mia Farrow was the first celebrity I can remember who adopted children from many cultures and ethnic backgrounds. Unlike the Jolie-Pitts, I have nothing but admiration for her. Why? Have you heard anything about Mia Farrow in the last 2 decades other than her husband, Woody Allen, seducing and marrying their daughter? No, she stepped out of the lime light to raise her children. That became her job. And don’t get me started on Woody Allen! I am disgusted that he is still making movies and hasn’t been shunned for being a child molester. This is a man who began taking semi-naked pictures of his adopted daughter while underage. Not that waiting until she was 18 years old would have been excusable. But for all intents and purposes, this was the only father figure she had ever known. For him to have broken that trust is deplorable. And then what… all is forgiven because he married her and exclaimed “The heart wants what the heart wants.” Oh, it was the “heart” was it? Yeah, right.
And now that I’m on a tear… who is this Jennifer Lopez? How much attention does one woman need? It’s unbelievable to me that she would compete in a triathlon Sunday morning in Malibu and then be celebrating her husband’s birthday, which she planned, for $400,000, that same night in New York! Where are the twins? Having competed in the same triathalon several years ago, I know how many hours of training go into preparing for such an event. Trust me, it’s obsessive. Although a woman has a right to do with her body as she sees fit, and there is enormous pressure to “lose that baby weight” immediately, I have to question the amount of hours she is choosing to spend away from her newborn twins. That’s not time you can get back as far as establishing consistent attachment. I wonder if this is simply nothing more than ego-gratification. I have another example to support my musings… two weeks after J Lo’s $400,000 soiree, she and Marc renewed their wedding vows in a lavish suite at Caesar’s Palace. All done spur of the moment in the pre-dawn hours. So if you’re both out partying all night, who’s taking care of the children’s feedings? Not them, that’s for sure! How much stimulation and excitement does this woman need anyway?
It may not be fair of me to judge since I am on the outside looking in. But as a psychotherapist with plenty of experience seeing “the writing on the wall,” I would bet that my observations are right on the money. So Joaquin, best of luck with your music career. Just don’t be too disappointed when no one cares!
The Way I See It: If You Still See Black and White You Need a New Pair of Glasses-
I was standing around Peet’s Coffee in Santa Monica the other day waiting for a friend. While I waited for my coffee to be made a black man, I later found out his name is Carl, turned to me and asked “Are you ready?” I immediately answered back “I’m ready!” He smiled and asked again “Are you ready?” With more enthusiasm I answered “I’m ready to do my part!” He smiled wide and said “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” At this point we were connected. I knew exactly what he was talking about… am I ready for the change indicative of our newly elected president? We both had Obama on the brain!
Then it got really funny… I went in to shake his hand at the same time he gave my the high five hand, so I tried to switch really quickly but didn’t make it so we ended up with one of those spastic looking high fives. I joked “I’m too white to do that right!” He let go a genuine laugh of delight and said “That’s right! Now we can talk about what we’ve all been thinking. We don’t have to be afraid of each other any more.”
That day we were just two strangers connecting over a shared joy… a pride in us as a people for electing a black man for president. Now I could say, a man of color, or an African-American man, or a half-black, half-white man which is more accurate to describe Barack Obama, but that’s the whole point of the story. I don’t have to fear not being politically correct, because I no longer feel a division between us a nation as an untied people. The difference in the color of our skin no longer seems to matter. In fact, making us aware of our differences seems like just another way to keep us apart. In that one shining moment, all of that was thrown away and a real connection was felt, by Carl and by me, and by anyone lucky enough to witness my spasmodic display of hip hand gestures.
The very next day, my dear friend from Texas sent me this quote: “Of intense complexities, intense simplicities emerge”– Winston Churchill. I had to think about it for a minute but that pretty much sums up race relations in this country. When we focus on our “outer selves”: skin color, ethnic background, cultural and socio-economic differences, then sure, relationships with one another can appear intensely complex. But when we focus on connections, one human being to another, relationships are simpler. This applies to our relationships to other countries in the world, as well. Why is this?
It’s because we all have the same needs. Let me reiterate this, we all have the same needs. Our first level of needs is basic: food, water, shelter, clothing, and protection from life-threatening illness. Once that is met, we have higher order needs, for example, emotional safety, connection, respect, truth, understanding, acknowledgment, and friendship to name just a few. The terrorists that attacked us on 9/11 were trying to meet their needs for recognition, respect, honor, freedom, truth, and justice. Similarly, when we capture and keep prisoners at Guantanamo Bay for years without “due process” we are trying to meet our needs for safety, truth, justice and freedom. In both cases, the terrorists and the US government were trying to meet similar needs but in a tragic way. To continue to see the world as ‘us’ and ‘them’ will keep us in the same mess as when we have applied the same ‘us’ and ‘them’ viewpoint to our own brother and sister citizens.
My needs for community, truth, consciousness, compassion and connection were all met on Election Day 2008. I have never been more proud to be an American Citizen than on that night and every day since. Bill Clinton once remarked “There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be fixed by what is right with America.” Norman Lear described himself as a “Born Again American”. I like that! I understand it. I’ve been yearning to feel a part of something great for a long, long time. I don’t have unrealistic expectations for president-elect Obama. No one man or woman can be all things to all people, but I can tell you this: I am ready. I am ready to ask him “What can I do for my country?” I think that would make John F. Kennedy and Carl very proud!